oln-8

The News from Oneida Lake Return to main page

8. The Great Pizza Crisis. (Feb. 01)

Well, it’s been a hectic week here at Oneida Lake. Folks have been working very hard to end the crisis which has gripped our state over the past week. Stinky Williams said that he was glad to lend a hand and didn’t mind all the driving, but the chicken feathers were a little hard to take, as they made him sneeze. Edith Truax said that she was glad she could help. “I always grow way too many tomatoes in my garden, and I’m glad to give up the 200 quarts of canned tomatoes in my basement for the cause.”

It started last Monday morning with a special statement by Governor P.U. Tacky. As everyone knows, The New York Giants were in the Super Bowl, and this was the direct cause of the crisis. Governor Tacky declared a special state of emergency, which was not lifted until Thursday afternoon, and only then because of the gallant efforts of the folks around Oneida Lake. Due to calculation mistakes by pizza economists in New York City, extreme pizza shortages arose during the Super Bowl. By half-time mozzarella and tomato sauce reserves were dangerously low. By the end of the fourth quarter New York City was completely out of mozzarella and tomato sauce, and reserves upstate in Poughkeepsie, Binghamton, and Albany had been completely wiped out. In his declaration of the state of emergency, Gov. Tacky announced rolling pizza parlor blackouts state-wide until reserves could be reestablished. And, to compound the crisis, Buffalo was completely out of wings.

Normally, the folks around Oneida Lake couldn’t “give a hoot” about New York City, but since the crisis was statewide and affecting local pizza parlors (in particular the Two Italian Guys Pizzeria, Barbecue, and Chinese Take Out Restaurant), they felt that they should pitch in and do their part. Besides, Gov. P.U. Tacky is very well liked around Oneida lake, and if he needs help, folks are more than glad to oblige. Everybody helped. The Colossal Cheese company up in Pulaski and the Heck-Of-A-Great Cheese Company up in Sodus went into around the clock mozzarella production. Both Father Migliori and Pastor Pomeroy volunteered to work night shifts until the crisis was over. The Kelly Reamer Company (“for all your boring and gouging needs”) donated two trucks for deliveries statewide. Tommy Migliori and Stinky Williams volunteered to drive the trucks and made a total of 12 runs between the two of them. Local farmers were the stars of the relief effort. Over 1,000 chickens from around the lake were donated and Stinky Williams made a brave midnight run in a blinding snowstorm (now locally known as “Stinky’s Midnight Chicken Run”) to deliver them to Buffalo. The farm boys added an extra milking to their daily schedule (which the cows did not like), and all the milk was trucked directly to the cheese companies.

The school children, in and around Oneida Lake, voted to give up their lunch time milk to help with mozzarella production, as long as they could have Coke or Pepsi instead. This immediately sparked a bidding war between the Coca Cola Company and the Pepsi Cola Company, which offered thousands of dollars in athletic and sports equipment respectively to the school system, if they could become the official replacement beverage during the crisis. The Oneida Lake Women’s Garden Club, following the lead of Edith Truax, was able to donate over 12,000 quarts of canned tomatoes. Most of the women said they were glad to get those canned tomatoes out of their basements as they had been building up over the years from the excess tomatoes they all grew in their gardens.

By Thursday afternoon, the crisis was over. The rolling pizza parlor blackouts were lifted and folks statewide were now enjoying their pies again. On Saturday a big party was held down at the volunteer fire hall. Free pizza was provided by Two Italian Guys Pizzeria, Barbecue, and Chinese Take Out Restaurant in thanks to the local folks for their efforts during the crisis. Gov. Tacky was there and presented a plaque which read “ To the Citizens of Oneida Lake for their Resolve in ending the Great Pie Crisis of 01.”
Stinky Williams was also awarded a special New York State Excelsior Medal for his Midnight Chicken Run.

And that’s the news from Oneida Lake, where all the women like home canned tomato sauce on their pizzas, all the men like sausage and pepperoni on their pizzas, and all the children like extra cheese on their pizzas, with a Coke or Pepsi, or whoever gave the most sports equipment to their school.

Painting by Ed Defendorf of San Juan Capistrano, Calif. (a CNY expatriate)